Dallas Songwriters Association

Dallas Songwriters Assoc. is a 501 C3 nonprofit organization dedicated to providing learning opportunities about the craft and business of songwriting. All styles of music are welcome in the DSA, and membership includes writers of all ages. DSA monthly activities include meetings with guest speakers, song critiques and performance showcases and open mics that are open to the public and streamed to Facebook and Youtube. In addition, the DSA offers song contests, a Hall of Fame program, community awards, youth programs, and publishes a monthly newsletter, Songwriters Notes.

CELEBRATING 36 YEARS IN 2023
MOTIVATING & UPLIFTING SONGWRITERS THROUGH EDUCATION

LYRIC CONTEST

LYRICISTS GAIN RECOGNITION THROUGH COMPETITION
Next Lyric Contest Deadline is Sept 30th
for Summer Lyric Contest
Entry fee is $10
Enter by mail: Dallas Songwriters Lyric Contest, Sammons Center For The Arts, 3630 Harry Hines Blvd #20 Dallas, Tx 75219

Or you can enter at our Square store
Pay here.

Lyric Contest Winners  
2020 Winter Lyric Contest:
Thanks to our judge, Alexis Tapp

SEMIFINALISTS
Strawberry Moon by Ynana Rose, San Lius Obispo, CA
Dying In The Distance by Michael R. J. Roth, Rio Rancho, NM
Blue Sea by Bill Kapac, Wildwood, NJ
Your Prints in the Sand by Ben Halim, McKinney, Tx
Where You Belong by Ben Halim, McKinney, Tx


WINNERS

First Place
Strawberry Moon by Ynana Rose, San Lius Obispo, CA

Strawberry moon
Why oh why
Do you bring memories that make me cry?
Why do you follow
Haunting me still?
I said I’ll never marry & I never will

She was a beauty in a white cotton dress
My kiss was a question, Her answer was “Yes”
We made love forbidden that long ago June
Beneath the light of a strawberry moon

Strawberry moon
Why oh why
Do you bring memories that make me cry?
Why do you follow
Haunting me still?
I said I’ll never marry & I never will

Side by side in the moonlight we lay
Unprepared for the cruel light of day
Dreaming our dreams until the sunrise
Blind as the moon in our eyes

Strawberry moon
Why oh why
Do you bring memories that make me cry?
Why do you follow
Haunting me still?
I said I’ll never marry & I never will

Her father sent her on the Northern rail line
Westward to marry, Never to be mine
I swore on the day she took a man’s ring
Single I would remain

Strawberry moon
Why oh why
Do you bring memories that make me cry?
Why do you follow
Haunting me still?
I said I’ll never marry & I never will

Notes from the judge:
Perhaps “beneath a strawberry moon” sums up the line nicely and less wordy.
Also, replacing “moon” w/ “moonlight” or “moon shining” would tighten up the meter.  
Suggestion: “In the moonlight, side by side, we lay.”
I suggest you read your piece aloud and check for sounds and rhythm flow.  
Do you bring memories that make me cry?” might work better as 
“Do you bring memories to light that make me cry? 
The line, “Single I would remain” could use a couple of words to make the meter work.
Suggestion: “Sad and single, I would remain.”
I like that your lyric draws a picture, that it’s catchy, and that you gave it a memorable title. 

Second Place
Dying In The Distance by Michael R. J. Roth, Rio Rancho, NM

Chatting in a coffee shop 
With a guy who’s feeling urgent
About getting into politics
He insists he’s an insurgent

Behind him through the window 
Is an ambulance across the street
They’re hauling out a stretcher 
Someone covered by a sheet

And I’m suddenly ashamed 
For having artful conversations
And clever things to say 
With people dying in the distance

A quiet TV on the wall
Spewing natural disasters
Contagions and explosions
And the savviest broadcasters

Who never seem to be ashamed
For having artful conversations
And clever things to say 
With people dying in the distance

Bridge
All the murder that we witness
Children kill their classmates
While asking for forgiveness
Mothers kill their children
And then go about their business
And I just carry on 
With people dying in the distance

Around the world, across the street,
The shadows getting close to me
Following the path of least resistance
Before you know it I’ll just be
[Another person] dying in the distance

Yeah, I'll just be another name
In the artful conversations
About people dying in the distance

Notes from the judge:  

1st Stanza:  
Try adding “He’s getting into politics”)
(Try leaving off “He” on the last line to smooth out the cadence 

Behind him through the window 
Is an ambulance across the street
They’re hauling out a stretcher 
Someone covered by a sheet
(Suggestion:”Out the window, is an ambulance, parked across the street…”)

And I’m suddenly ashamed 
For having artful conversations
And clever things to say 
With people dying in the distance
(Suggestion:  this section seems like it could be labeled as CHORUS.
A quiet TV on the wall
Spewing natural disasters
Contagions and explosions
And the savviest broadcasters
In this stanza, I suggest leaving out “on the wall”

Who never seem to be ashamed
For having artful conversations
And clever things to say 
With people dying in the distance.
(I suggest leaving off “to be” in the first line.

Bridge
All the murder that we witness
Children kill their classmates (This line seems unnecessary and weakens rhyme)
While asking for forgiveness   Suggestion: Never asking for forgiveness.
Mothers kill their children.     Suggestion: While mothers kill their children
And then go about their business
And I just carry on 
With people dying in the distance


Third Place
Blue Sea by Bill Kapac, Wildwood, NJ

 V-1  MORNING CAME ON EASY, NIGHT FADING FROM THE SKY
        OCEAN WAVES SHINNING, THE COLOR OF HER EYES
        SUN RAYS DANCING ON THE WATER, FISH SWIMMING BELOW
        DUCKS FLOATING IN A LINE, JUST GOING WITH THE FLOW

CHORUS:  AQUA COLORED EYES, INVITED ME WITHIN
    TO HER SECRET WORLD, WHERE I COULD LEARN TO SWIM
    LOOKING IN HER EYES, WONDERING WHAT’S IN THERE FOR ME
    NERVOUS AND EXCITED, I DOVE INTO HER BLUE SEA

        V-2  WATER TINGLING MY BODY, AS I EXPLORE THE SEA 
                 MY INHIBITIONS GONE, HER TIDE DIRECTING ME             
                 WARM CALMING WATERS, WASHED AWAY MY FEAR
                 SWIMMING STRAIGHT AHEAD, I SEE MY PATH IS CLEAR


  CHORUS:  AQUA COLORED EYES, INVITED ME WITHIN
    TO HER SECRET WORLD, WHERE I COULD LEARN TO SWIM
    LOOKING IN HER EYES, WONDERING WHAT’S IN THERE FOR ME
    NERVOUS AND EXCITED, I DOVE INTO HER BLUE SEA


          V-3  TOGETHER NOW FOREVER, LIVING LIFE AS ONE
                  THE BLUE SEA WE SHARE, IS COLORED WITH FUN
                   LOVE HOLDS US TOGETHER, WATER SETS US FREE
                   DROWNING IN OUR PASSION, IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA


  CHORUS:  AQUA COLORED EYES, INVITED ME WITHIN
    TO HER SECRET WORLD, WHERE I COULD LEARN TO SWIM
    LOOKING IN HER EYES, WONDERING WHAT’S IN THERE FOR ME
    NERVOUS AND EXCITED, I DOVE INTO HER BLUE SEA

Notes from the judge:
Good lyric. I could feel the rhythm and mood.  
I would suggest that there are a few places that could use a little tweak, but overall it was a good lyric.  Read it aloud to see where it doesn’t flow well.  Then read it again, being willing to edit as needed. On the chorus, I suggest “Aqua colored eyes, inviting me in.” 


Fourth Place 
Your Prints in the Sand by Ben Halim, McKinney, Tx
Verse1
Was never your dream if it’s fading away?
As empty a wish if can’t keep you awake
The scars of defeat, sweat, tears and the pain
The darkness and thirst, the fire in the veins
Can’t wait for the dawn don’t beg for the rain
Must light up your eyes go dig up your well!

Chorus
Hold onto your dreams don’t fear what they say
You must walk alone into the eye of the storm
Reach, farthest of shores finds seashells of light
Your prints in the sand will not fade away...

Verse2
Don’t wait no messiah Will lead you the way
Don’t count on the faces they all fade away
When glory is yours, there will be many claims
For now, just swallow these taunts and the blames
You are not born a pawn No master! No slave!
Your dreams all you got child don’t take them to grave

Chorus
Hold onto your dreams don’t fear what they say
You must walk alone into the eye of the storm
Reach, farthest of shores finds seashells of light
Your prints in the sand will not fade away...


Bridge
That moment will come soon when your eyes will see
Destiny is now yours; it was once so out of reach
You are master of your fate this time will not wait
The moment is now so, Hold onto your dreams

Notes from the judge:
Suggestion:  Line 2 might be clearer as something like this: “If it’s really your dream, it will keep you awake.”  As it reads, I don’t understand it’s meaning.  
Line 6 doesn’t rhyme.  Is this intentional? It took me out of the story briefly.  
If line 5 ended with “avoiding the hell” or something like that, then line 6 would work.


Fifth Place
Where You Belong by Ben Halim, McKinney, Tx
Verse 1
Searched the dunes for golden past you never had                         
Cut your tongue, now burn your eyes, you raging mad
Darken pathway leading to your private hell
Bleeding streams, more empty shells, no paradise     
Taste your truth now forget the stories told      
Blood, religion, loyalty and trust were sold

Pre-Chorus
You’re just a shadow when dreams once fade away
There is no glory with shackles of yesterday

Chorus
Turn back the clock
Take back yourself
To that moment you were free
When you were strong
It's not too late - - It's not too late
It's not too late
Go find your path
Your faded destiny
Where you belong

Verse 2
Guarded raging waves of storms that never came
Saintly devils lead the mass, oh! What a shame!
Feasting on the rotting corpse of truth and faith
Glorifying hungry gods of sacrifice
Under chants of love and justice, noble words
Marching futures to slaughter like the herds

Pre-Chorus
You’re just a shadow...

Chorus
Turn back the clock…


Bridge
Sword is hunting truth now
Watch the bleeding roads
Curse the plan of fate
Under brother's blade
 Blood is faded white
Hate is burning souls
Take a sip of knowledge
And few stabs from friends
Wolf and Shepherd's game
Tell me who to blame?
Tell me who to blame?


Chorus - Fadeout
Turn back the clock
Take back yourself
To that moment you were free
When you were strong
It's not too late - - It's not too late
It's not too late
Go find your path
Your faded destiny
Where you belong

Notes from the judge:
The imagery and the feel of this lyric are haunting and quite interesting.  I feel this is worthy of additional work.  Good poetry doesn’t always make a perfect song, so here  
are few suggestions:  
“you’re raging mad” in line 2
Line 4: the addition of “no paradise” at the end of the line disconnects the potential rhyme for “shells” and doesn’t add to the story.   
In the pre-chorus: “once” seems wrong here.  Perhaps adding “the” and changing “once” to “then”, ei: “You’re just a shadow when the dreams then fade away” works. 
The chorus seems disconnected from the imagery of the verses and the bridge.  
I suggest reading this with fresh eyes as if you don’t know what the lyric is about
to see if you can tighten up and condense the message or make it clearer.  
I feel this lyric is a bit long.  Condense and condense again is good rule of thumb.
Keep the key points to move the story forward without losing your listener.
I would really enjoy seeing this lyric entered again after the suggested work.  
You have an interesting voice, so I hope to see more of your work.
Thank you for your submission.



2019 FALL WINNER  - there were 25 entries
Thanks to Lyric Contest Director, Alexis for these comments.

WINNERS 
1. Bow River by Robert Ehlert, Carrollton, TX
2. Tethered To The Wind  by Robert Bowen, Bishopville, SC
3. Decrepitude by Harold Cronson, Dallas, Tx

Finalists:
# 2.  Tethered to the Wind by Robert Bowen, Bishopville, SC
# 4.  Decrepitude by Harold Cronson, Dallas, Tx
# 5.  I’ll Be There by Susan Odella, Virginia, MN
#10. Bow River by Robert Ehlert, Carrollton, TX
#11. The Days ’til Christmas by David Case, Rockwall, Tx



1.  Together*                         

When we're in the same room, I feel drawn to you.  Like a magnet, to give you a clue              (“When we’re in the same room” isn’t very sexy.  See if you can think of something more romantic here.) (“if this gives you a clue.”)
* When we're not with each other, we're just average.  But together, we have more leverage.  (When we’re not together, we’re so average.  But as a team, we have the leverage.)
* Though at times, we disagree.  You and I set each other free.           (We actually set each other free.)
* Power couple is what we are, high as the shining stars.           (Power couple’s what we are…high as any shiny star.)
* We have an invincible bond that can't be explained.  Any hotter and we'd be on flames.        (Invincible can’t be explained, but when we’re hot, we start some flames.) 
* We're definitely not perfect, and have a few issues.  But I would never throw away this relationship, like tissues.  You start losing me here.  The descriptions you’ve used in the nest several lines seem to be an effort at being clever.  
* Despite our differences, we manage to work things out.  That's what we're about.
* We'll always lift each other up, like a mug or coffee cup. (Not a very inspiring comparison.)
* Though temptations exist, we'll never get back with our exes.
* You and I, me and you.  However you say it, the meaning is the same.
* Together we're a dream team.  People can't help but stare when we're seen.
* We're like 2 halves of 1 heart, like matching puzzle pieces.       (We’re 2 halves of one big heart; our pieces fit right from the start.)
* Because of all our differences, we complement each other.  Seeing things from a different point of view, not just what we think is true.
* Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without you.  I'm so grateful you're in my life, happy to be your wife.
* Though on the surface we seem different, deep down we share the same values.
* Don't be fooled!  Even though we're a couple, we give each other space.  Our bond is strong, even when we're independent.  
* Our relationship is 50/50 for the most part, balancing the scales of our fair hearts.
* Though we can't predict the future, I hope our bond is everlasting, even after our passing.
* Even when problems arise, we compromise.
* The trust between us is stronger than super glue.  Yes, this is true.
* I care about you so much.  Could this be real love?
* The bond between us is like nothing else in the universe.
* Fate brought us together for a reason.  It will never change, unlike the seasons.
* Hope we last forever, always being together.

Please see my notes above as assistance with the meter and line length. It might be helpful to jot down some notes 
about what you would actually say to a person you love and draw from those. I’d like to see a rewrite and resubmission 
of this lyric with a true chorus and bridge to build emotion. A catchy hook related to your subject would pack a punch.  
Structure is important, especially when pitching your song or entering a contest.  Look online for samples of song 
structure to get inspiration. You haven’t placed this quarter, but keep working on your skills. Best of luck next time.


 2.                                                 TETHERED TO THE WIND

       I was born a wild and free thing
       My freedom is my soul
       It's what sends me chasing mountains
       If mountains are my goal
       
       I can't see just one horizon
       And you've got to understand
       You can't bind, nor tie, nor bye me.     *correct spelling: buy, not bye
        Cause I'm Tethered To The Wind

               Like a leaf that falls from tree to ground
               And sails so aimlessly
               A flight in winsome beauty bound.       
               To meet its destiny
               And when my flight is over
                When my life is at its end
                Don't mark my tomb with words of gloom
                Cause I'm Tethered To The Wind
                Tethered To The Wind
                           (Repeated Entirely)
       Tag at end
                 Ah   ah   ah  ahhh
                 Ah   ah   ah  ahhh
                 Ah   ah   ah   ahhh
                 Ah   ah   ah   ahhh I enjoyed your lyric.  It flows well, has good meter and correct line length, makes its point, 
and I could truly hear imagined music.  Good job.  For better presentation to pitch this lyric, 
consider marking Verse 1, Verse 2, Chorus, perhaps repeat a Chorus at the end, because the song is  
short even played though twice. Nice work. I look forward to seeing additional submissions from you.



3.                                          MEMORIES  I  HOPE  NOT  TO  LOSE

         I  see you  peekin  round  the  bushes  at  me
         Your  golden  hair  just  a  danglin] 
         I  hear  the  bells  on  your, shiny, dancin  shoes
         A  jingle   jangle  jingle  janglin
                 Life  had  no  cares ,  no  worries  or  wears
                 Carefree  an  happy  were  we
                 Clear  as  a  bell,  your  laughter  would  swell      I suggest shortening laughter to *laugh” for proper flow.
                 Life  was  so  good,  you'll  agree

         I  still remember  all the  good  times  we  had
         I  see  them  now  just  as  plain
         Holding  your  hand  on  the  front  porch  swing
         Or  kissin you wet  in  the  rain
                  But  life  has  its  ways,  of  counting  the  days Your chorus (if this is it) needs a label. Tighten everything up, but, overall, I like it.
                  And  somehow  we  just  drew  apart
                  As  I  look  back  in  my  past,  I  realize  at  last
                  That  you  Ran  away  With  my  heart

          I  see  you  peekin  round  the corner  at  me
          Just  like  it  was  *only yesterday
          Though  you  are  gone,  your  memory  wont set  me  free.  * you haven’t set me free.
          Your  laughter  haunts  me  each  day

          I  see  you  peekin  round the  corner  at  me These fun images could be more effective if your lines were cleaned up a bit.  I’ve made suggestions in red.
          I  hear  the  bells  on  your  shoes It’s also helpful to label verses, chorus and bridge, so that the reader can follow more easily.  
          I  see  you  smilin  on  a bright  summers day I assume the first two sections of words are verses.  These are nice, but drive it home with a catchy chorus.  
          Memories  I  hope  not  to  lose

          I  see  you  peekin   round the  corner at  me
          Memories  I  hope  not  to  lose
          Memories  I  hope  not to  lose.


4. Decrepitude

Verse 1
Don't play me an old man's song,
I won't wanna sing along,
Don't quote me your aches and pains,
I likely got much of the same,
‘Cause I know decrepitude.

Chorus 1
Decrepitude is shuffling down the hall,
Checking up on us all.
*Decrepitude is ambling down the hall,
Hoping upon hope that he don’t fall. I suggest a longer chorus, and I’ve included a suggestion to keep building on the subject.

Verse 2
I've lost my New York walk,
Mosey slower than a Texan talks,
Move along, don't you gawk at me,
Perambulating 'crepitude. I don’t get the word “peramulating”, but it’s a cute verse.

Chorus 2
Decrepitude is slouching down the hall,
Used to stand six-foot tall.
Decrecitude’s pants are ‘bout to fall,
‘Cause he ain’t got no hips left at all. Again, I suggest a longer chorus & have included a suggestion to take or leave.

Verse 3
Early Bird Special at suppertime,
Join the cafeteria line,
It oughta taste so fine -needs more salt-,
Gustatory ‘crepitude.

Chorus 3
Decrepitude is leaning on the wall,
'Fraid he's about to fall,
Decreptitude needs a button to call Again, I suggest a longer chorus.
Somebody to help him. Watch him crawl.

Verse 4
Young folks gotta believe, This might make a bridge, as it changes focus from the other verses.
They'll get an aging reprieve,
They just can't conceive,
Of mandatory 'crepitude.

Chorus 4
Decrepitude is lying wake at night, “Decrepitude lies awake at night”
Contemplating life towards the light. “Wistfully looking toward the light.”
Decreptitude is losing his sight, Again, I suggest a longer chorus.
But if he has his hearing, that’s alright.

Verse 5 repeating verse 1
Don't play me an old man's song,
I won't wanna sing along,
Don't quote me your aches and pains,
I likely got much of the same,
‘Cause I know decrepitude.
Chorus 5 I’d label the Chorus 5 as ‘outro’ or ‘ending’.  
Decrepitude is shuffling down the hall, Normally, I would suggest each chorus be the same, but,frankly, I like this just the way it is.
Checking

(Spoken) Everybody sing...... I can't hear you! Cute and fun lyric, and I was entertained. Check each verse to insure they have only four lines.  
I hope you don’t mind that I joined in. Feel free to ignore my lines or use them, but good job.

5. I'll Be There

VERSE - Riding on the rays of light - Hanging on with all my might
Looking back 'til I was out of sight
Left before you thought I'd go - Slipping through the undertow
Winding round my windy rodeo

CHORUS - Beyond the Sun - Beyond the Moon
There lies a place awaiting you
Lovingly celestial - I'll Be There
Cast a spell - Weave a dream
You'll wander on so seamlessly
Meandering the Heavens - I'll Be There

VERSE - Had no chance to say goodbye - Was speeded through - a quiet sigh
The song you sang was just my lullaby
My wings gave me the way to fly - The tears I shed were almost dry
Our words unsaid - we cannot wonder why

CHORUS - Make a wish upon a star and I will grant it from afar
I'll be there to guide my avatar
I'll be there - I'll be there - You'll never see me anywhere
Beating in your heart now - I'll Be There

BRIDGE - Feel me - When you're alone
A quiet night - No ringing phone
Soft as a shadow - Luridly low Strange word: luridly
My light will shine like it's never been shone

Meandering the Heavens - I'll Be There.

I liked this and could hear the song in my head with a peppy tune.  I appreciate the clearly labeled song sections which are helpful.
I’m not sure, but you could repeat the first chorus for a second chorus and use the second chorus as an ending of sorts. It’s something to consider  
which could make this a good sing-a-long for a crowd. Repetitious lines are conducive for a fan to memorize easily and sing along during the chorus.  
Thank you for your submission.  


6. Somewhere after time

Came across you - seems like yesterday
As our eyes met - knew you right away
First encounter - from what I could recall from what I *can recall.
In my soul - sensed it all

I had known you - once upon a time *in other times
How my heart raced faster in the climb shorten for flow
Swept up in a cloud of the sublime
Once upon - upon a time

CHORUS - Somewhere after time
You will be all mine
And as the day draws near
Always feel you here - next to me - lovingly
Somewhere after time

Learned to love you *more - slowly through the years
Shared each other's happiness and tears
Never closer - yet always far apart.  “yet so far apart” flows better.
It felt so right - right from the start

BRIDGE - Wherever you go - Whatever you do
Just know someone cares for you
You're never alone - Your heart has a home
Always - Waiting for you

Once you promised to give me all the stars
And a sweet thought hit me from afar
When this life ends - Whether yours or mine
Love lives on - Somewhere after time

CHORUS - Somewhere after time
You will be all mine
And as the day draws near
Always feel you here - next to me - lovingly
Somewhere after time
Next to me - lovingly 
Somewhere after time.

I could hear the song and appreciate the clearly labeled section, making it easy to enjoy.  
I’ve included a couple of suggestions for your consideration.  Good luck. 


7. WONDER WOMAN.     
Hair in the air - face clean and bare - dancing in her underwear
Can't help but stare as she climbs a chair - pretending that I'm not there
To her make-believe crowd - she sings super loud 
In her hand an invisible microphone I might cut “in her hand” to make the line flow better. 
Then she takes a bow - turns right around
Jumps in my arms and I'm glad we're alone

CHORUS - She's my Wonder Woman - She's my Wonder Woman
Yeah, she's my Wonder Woman cause I wonder if she'll stay
In my life - in my life

No song in this world will change my tune about her
Light on her feet - dance moves are sweet - they set off my 4 star alarm.    Alarm doesn’t rhyme. ???  Weakens the effect of the line.
She'll always be found whenever I'm down She can be found when I am down”….or some smoother version of this line would be good.
To set my feet back on the ground
Always aware of how much she cares
Cause love is her softest sound 

CHORUS - She's my Wonder Woman - She's my Wonder Woman
Yeah, she's my Wonder Woman cause I wonder if she'll stay
In my life
Yeah, she's my Wonder Woman - She's my Wonder Woman
Yeah, she's my Wonder Woman cause I wonder if she'll stay
If she'll stay in my life - Oohh - Will she stay in my life
Won't you stay - Baby...

The Wonder Woman reference could use a little bolstering to be more effective.  
You really only mention it as a name or title for her, but then you reference wondering if she’ll stay in your life.  
What have you mentioned in the song, other than her quirky behavior or free spirit to indicated that this makes her a flight risk?  
Just a though to ponder.  Cute idea.  Some good lines to possibly rework a bit.

8. Jingle your bell

Allow me to jingle your bell
To give you that sultry feeing
Like a hot and humid day
That you would want always to stay

Let me show you how to love you
And guide you every step of the way

Allow me to jingle your bell
To give you that sultry feeling
Like a wet and humid day

Let me show you how to rock you
Hold you tight and roll you
Back and forth and upside down

Do allow me to jingle your bell 
To put you under a sultry spell Do allow me to jingle your bell” and “To put you under a sultry spell.”  
are my 2 favorite lines in the song, although I’m not sure if you’re 
doing buddhist incantations or calling for room service.  
Though I’m not sure, I still like the lines.  I suggest you continue
to work on this piece.  Notate clear verses, and a clear chorus.  
This will help you structure both lyric and the music when ready. 
Write and rewrite is my motto.  And it’s fun.

9. Worth A Shot                          
Verse
The cotton fields of West Texas
Are bleached white with the blood, sweat, and tears.  Line seems too long.  Maybe leave out “blood” for a smoother line.
Of the working man with a little dirt on his hands.       Line seems crowded. Maybe leave out the words “a little”.
The Grace of God and answered prayers
It's hardly ever easy
And when the going gets a little tough
You strap your boots on tight, screw your head on right  Love these two lines.
And keep going til the job gets done
It ain't complicated
So don't overthink it, son

Chorus
Daddy always said that the best laid plans get tossed to the wind   I suggest you remove “always’ in the first line to get this tighter.
It's all about heart and soul, and refusing to quit Your rhyme scheme seems a bit off here, though you get your point across. 
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
Just give it all you've got
And if the whiskey don't fix it
It's still worth a shot
Your rhyme scheme is definitely off here.  It’s a good visual, 
Verse so I’d enjoy seeing you rework this for rhyme and meter without losing substance.
I've rode a million miles of fences
With a hammer and nails and time
As the sun fades red, I stare out over the land
Thinking 'bout that old man in the sky
I take a tug from his old flask
Man, I hear those words again

Chorus
Daddy always said that the best laid plans get tossed to the wind
It's all about heart and soul, and refusing to quit
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
Just give it all you've got
And if the whiskey don't fix it
Well the whiskey won't fix it
It's still worth a shot

I believe, though there are some issues with cadence and meter in places throughout,
you could iron out those issues with the timing of how you perform the song… which I’d enjoy hearing. 
I like the story, but this lyric deserves use a bit more effort. Please rework it a bit and resubmit it. 


10. Bow River 

Oh Bow River, if I could love her like your water loves the land
Oh Bow River, if I could move her like your current moves the sand

Oh Bow River.........
Oh Bow River.........

Chorus:
Downstream
Raging down the mountain
Crashing through the canyon 
Freshwater love
To a brackish sea
The salt of her kiss
Is killing me…


Oh Bow River, if I could sculpt her like your rapids shape the shore
Oh Bow River, If I could fill her like the runoff evermore.                   This line seems short.  Could use another adjective “raging runoff”…”mounting runoff”. something for meter.

Oh Bow River.........
Oh Bow River.........

Chorus

Oh Bow River, to embrace her  as your eddies pause the flow
Oh Bow River, if I could follow where it is that she must go

Oh Bow River.........
Oh Bow River.........

Chorus

Bridge:

Try as we might in the days and nights
We can't hold a river still
Cherish her in downstream dreams
For love meanders where it will

This feels like a folk song, and I like your references. I’d would enjoy hearing it with music, so I could fully enjoy the feel of the lyric.  Good job.


11. The Days ‘Til Christmas.        I think the title should be: “I Count the Days ’til Christmas” as that’s an important line.       

Angels dressed in sparkle gowns,
Some in red, some in blue,
Candy canes with polka dots,
Snowmen wearing licorice shoes—
How we laughed as we baked on that wintry day,
And we ate up all of our mistakes. . . .              Suggestion: *And we devoured every single sweet mistake.
But this year’s angels dress in brown, Suggestion: “But this year’s angels dress in plain ol brown”
The snowmen wear such mournful frowns, Suggestion: “And the snowmen are wearing such mournful frowns.”
And a heavy heart just weighs me down, Suggestion:  “My heavy heart’s trying to weight me down…”
As I count the days ‘til Christmas.

Angels we would place on high
High atop the Christmas tree. Suggestion:  “Perched atop the Christmas tree.”   To avoid “high” used twice together.
Here’s the one we bought in Rome. Comment:  I like these two lines a lot….especially “the one you made for me”.
Here’s the one you made for me. Suggestion:  “I think it would be even more special if you said what each ornament was:  a bell, a cross, a star?
And the twinkling lights always made us smile;    
You called them your beacons in the night. . . .
But the lights don’t bring a smile this year;
They’re blurry through these lonely tears.
And the plans we made all disappear,
As I count the days ‘til Christmas.

I’m packaging these memories of Christmases long gone. Is this your chorus?  It’s helpful to have each section labeled.
I’ll bind them with the joy we shared and sign, “With all my love.”
And Christmas Eve I’ll place this gift beneath the Christmas tree.
And I pray I’ll see you open it, if only in my dreams. Suggestion:  “And pray I see you open it, if only in my dreams.”  Is stronger.
If only in my dreams.

Snuggled near the fireplace,
Watching all the dancing flames, Suggestion: “We watch the dancing flames” fits a little better and is stronger.
Listening to O’Henry’s tale
‘Bout treasures sold in love’s sweet name.
And you couldn’t wait for one more day, Suggestion:  leave off “And”.
So we opened a present — or eight! . . .
But now these memories will have to do. Suggestion:  “But memories will just have to do.” works better.
I’ll find some way to muddle through.
And every day I think of you,
As I count the days ‘til Christmas.

I enjoyed this lyric very much.  I’ve made the above suggestions which I think 
might strengthen some lines. I think this could be a nice little, Christmas song 
with some additional work.  The verses do seem long.  Maybe each verse is 
actually a verse and a pre-chorus.  I suggest you polish this up and resubmit it.  
It has potential, and I look forward to seeing it again in Its new and improved 
version…maybe recorded and entered into the annual DSA contest.  


12. Make A Deal With Lonely.        

Would you make a deal with lonely 
If I told you goodbye
Would you make space for better 
Let the lonely be your bride Does it need “the” in this line?

I can’t hold you ever 
I can’t hold a midnight sigh Does it need “I” at the beginning of this line?
Would you make a deal with lonely 
If I told you goodbye 

Cars are made for moving 
Hearts are made for lonely climbs 
Mountain tops are better
Than city walls anytime

I won't wait forever
I won't make another rhyme
Would you make a deal with lonely 
If I told you goodbye

Pretty good rhyme.  The story didn’t build, and I didn’t really get your message.  
Pretty catchy line about making a deal with lonely, but the lyric needs more.  
I would like to see you resubmit this with a chorus and bridge and little more work.
It’s helpful to the judge if each section is marked for verses, etc.
 


13. I Loved You [More].              

  Intro

When you held me in bed last night
It didn’t feel right
But I was afraid to say something
To avoid a fight

Verse

I’ve been there many times before
It’s hard to bear
I know there’s no point 
In being there

Chorus 

I loved you more then you’ll ever know
And put your love to the test
But you proved to me that you didn’t care anymore
[You pushed me away] and it stood out from the rest
My heart fell apart 
When I heard you say things I would’ve never guessed
You made me realize that I don’t belong here
And haven’t seen any changes as time progressed

Verse

I lost myself over time 
And struggled to make it through
I didn’t know what to do
But stood by you

Chorus 

I loved you more then you’ll ever know
And put your love to the test
But you proved to me that you didn’t care anymore
[You pushed me away] and it stood out from the rest
My heart fell apart 
When I heard you say things I would’ve never guessed
You made me realize that I don’t belong here
And haven’t seen any changes as time progressed

Verse

You broke all your promises but wanna start all over again
When you ignored the days you saw me drowning in tears
And walked away from my side 
Avoiding to look into my eyes for years

Bridge

I’ve grown stronger now
And have made up my mind
I know I must draw the line
I can’t live a lie
And leave it [all]
All behind

Chorus 

I loved you more then you’ll ever know
And put your love to the test
But you proved to me that you didn’t care anymore
[You pushed me away] and it stood out from the rest
My heart fell apart 
When I heard you say things I would’ve never guessed
You made me realize that I don’t belong here
And haven’t seen any changes as time progressed
You made me realize that I don't belong here
And haven’t seen any changes as time progressed

There are some forced rhymes and less than imaginative ideas in this lyric.  
I suggest that you find your favorite six lines in this piece, and rewrite it. 
Try to think of what you really want to say and jot down ideas to pick from.  
The rhyme scheme, meter, cadence and use of repetition all need work. 
I would like to encourage you to study a few of your favorite hit songs, and see what makes them great.  
Try to use some of the lessons you learn from that exercise to rework this lyric.  
Perhaps, then you could resubmit it in an upcoming contest.  Good luck to you.  Keep working on your skills. 


14. Would I Be Welcome At Your Party.           

Would I be welcome at your party, would you have me in for tea?
If I didn’t look like you, if I looked to much like me.
If I came from a different branch of your family tree,
Would I be welcome at your party, would you have me in for tea?

Would I be welcome at your party, would you have me in for tea?
If I crawled across the desert and escaped security?
If I came here just like you did, for the opportunity,
Would I be welcome at your party, would you have me in for tea?

You can hide behind a crowd, you can hide behind a sheet,
Hide behind a flag, watch history repeat.
But you can’t hide form the light of truth or the torch of liberty,      Suggestion:  I would remove “light of” so the line flows better.  Change “form” to “from”.
You’re welcome at my party friend, and all the tea is free.

Would I be welcome at your party, would you have me in for tea?
If I came here in a boat, torn away from family,
If the rusty lock of bondage finally found a key,
Would I be welcome at your party, would you have me in for tea?

You can hide behind a crowd, you can hide behind a sheet,
Hide behind a flag, watch history repeat.
But you can’t hide form the light of truth or the torch of liberty,
You’re welcome at my party friend, and all the tea is free.

I suggest that you always label your lyric sections, verse, chorus, bridge, etc to assist 
the reader get the clarity of your words.  I think this works pretty well, but I’d suggest 
a bridge to build excitement.  It feels a little country rap to me which is current, but polish it up a bit.  
I included a couple of extra words that might help the rhythmic flow in some of your lines.


15. PERFECT STORM

Heard a noise on my window
Steady hail from summer rain 
Hid my head under the pillow  
When the scary thunder came    

(Chorus)
Then you knocked on my front door
And the rain became the perfect storm               

The city lights had all gone out
Lightning was like Fourth of July     Suggestion:  Lightning fireworks fill the sky.
You held me and I had no doubt    
You’d stay with me all through the night          

(Chorus)
A rainy night spent in your arms
Will always be the perfect storm
I’ve never felt so safe from harm
That night it was the perfect storm.   Suggestion to add “As” at the beginning of this line.

(Bridge)
You whispered it would be all right  
Though chaos was all around 
The rain was not the reason why
You could feel my heart pound                  

The wind let up, no more thunder                                                                     
The lights came on just then                                          
You had to leave and I wondered                                                                     
Would we feel this way again                                                 

(Chorus)
A rainy night spent in your arms                                          
Will always be the perfect storm
A connection that was made, now gone 
That night it was the perfect storm

Not a bad start.  I would suggest spending a little more time to 
repair the cadence and the feel of each line, so they roll off the tongue.  
Read this aloud over and over and see what doesn’t fit quite right.  
Pretty good work overall.  Thank you for your submission.


16. Spirit Sneakin' Out.         

Like water in the rock,
That goes where it will go,
And does its work unseen
Till cracks begin to show,
There’s something deep inside
The most hard-boiled heart.  
That seeks the site of love
And heals the damaged part.
It is the antidote to fear and doubt;
It’s spirit sneakin’ out.

The universe went “boom,”
Spirit flew everywhere
It took the spark of life 
It’s one thing we all share.
This place in space and time,
God said that it’s all good.
That makes it holy ground,
So, treat it as you should.
And if you wonder what life’s all about,
It’s spirit sneakin’ out.

It’s inside everyone; it’s part of everything.
It shows us how to love; it makes us want to sing.
It sends like radio; it draws like lightning rod.
God’s little hint we’re all a little bit of God.

Like songs that move your feet
Yet reach down to your soul,
The truth of delta blues,
The joy of rock n’ roll;
They’re equally at home
In church or at a bar;
You read between the lines, 
They tell you who you are.
And when they make you want to dance & shout
That’s spirit sneakin’ out.



17. Weakness           

Verse One
Weakness has never been a part
of my vocabulary, from the start.
Yet how effortlessly you do --
animate me, invigorate me,
make me want you too.
Yes, I have a weakness for you.

You know you check all my boxes.
You come near and every thought is
scattered as a daydream blows through.
I have a weakness for you.

Verse Two
I have always been
free as a bird, don't fence me in.
But you come along so cool --
Captivate me, aww you shake me,
I must admit it's true.
I have a weakness for you.

Weakness -- perish the thought.
I should toughen up, but what I ought
isn't what I'm gonna do.
Cause I've got a weakness for you.
Yes, I have a weakness for you.

Try to speak in a way you would if speaking in conversation.  Keep to the point.  
Write down your point and check to see if you have strayed.

 18. “  IN  BETWEEN  “

     V-1  I CAN’T REMEMBER BEING BORN, DON’T KNOW WHAT DAY I’LL DIE
             BUT IF I SEE IT COMING I’LL BE SAD TO WAVE GOODBYE  
            I HAD FUN BEING YOUNG, AND I’M TOLD YEARS OF OLD ARE GOLD
            NOW I’M SPENDING TIME OF MINE WATCHING LIFE UNFOLD.            Suggestion:  NOW I’ll SPEND MY TIME WATCHING LIFE UNFOLD


            CHORUS:  I’M LIVING IN BETWEEN LIKE THE MIDDLE OF A DREAM
                     LIFE’S NOT A DESTINATION JUST TIME SPENT IN BETWEEN 
                    I’M DOING THINGS I WON’T FORGET, FORGETTING THOSE THAT I REGRET.  Correct spelling.
                     EVERY STORY ENDS SOME DAY BUT I’M NOT THERE YET   


     V-2  LIFE’S A BOWL OF CHERRIES BUT EACH ONE HAS A PIT
             SOME DAYS ARE HARD TO SWALLOW I TASTE THE BEST OF IT
             IT’S NOT EASY BEING GOOD AND ALWAYS DOING RIGHT
             THE DEVILS IN THE SHADOWS AS DARKNESS PAINTS THE NIGHT   


            CHORUS:  I’M LIVING IN BETWEEN LIKE THE MIDDLE OF A DREAM
                     LIFE’S NOT A DESTINATION JUST TIME SPENT IN BETWEEN 
                     I’M DOING THINGS I WON’T FORGET, FORGETTING THOSE I REGRET
                     EVERY STORY ENDS SOME DAY BUT I’M NOT THERE YET   


     V-3  THE ROAD GOES ON FOREVER TURNING LEFT AND RIGHT
              IT’S HARD TO KNOW WHICH WAY TO GO ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT.      This seems strained in order to have a rhyming word. 
              DESIRE LIGHTS THE FIRE FOR WHAT TEMPTATION FINDS
              IT’S EASY TO LOSE CONTROL TRYING TO STAY BETEEN THE LINES This seems too wordy.  Rework this line for better flow.  
     
            
BRIDGE: FROM WHAT I SEE LIFE’S BORING ME
                  THERE AINT MUCH FUN BETWEEN THE LINES                                  I feel like you lost your message here in the bridge.  
             
            
 CHORUS:  I’M LIVING IN BETWEEN LIKE THE MIDDLE OF A DREAM
                     LIFE’S NOT A DESTINATION JUST TIME SPENT IN BETWEEN 
                     I’M DOING THINGS I WON’T FORGET, FORGETING THOSE I REGRET
                     EVERY STORY ENDS SOME DAY BUT I’M NOT THERE YET   


   19                                           “  OPEN  BAR “                                                                                                                  

                
V-1  EVERYBODY’S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING HERE YOU WON’T  LOOK FAR
        THERE’S A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING AT THIS OPEN BAR
        YOU CAN SIT NEXT TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T LOOK LIKE YOU 
        MAKE FRIENDS WITH STRANGERS MAYBE LEARN SOMETHING NEW


 V-2 THERE’S SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE EVEN IF YOU DON’T DRINK
         CONVERSATIONS RUN DEEP DISCUSS WHATEVER YOU THINK          
         IF THE SKY’S THE LIMIT THIS MIGHT BE YOUR PLACE
         EVERYONE’S DIFFERENT EXCEPT THE SMILE ON THEIR FACE


  CHORUS:THERE’S STILL THINGS YOU CAN’T BUY ONLINE
                     LIKE A COLD BEER OR A GOOD OLD TIME
                     THERE’S NO RULES HERE BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE
                      IT’S AN OPEN BAR THE LAST PLACE TO BE FREE

                       
   V-3   IT’S A FRIENDLY CROWD YOU CAN LET DOWN YOUR HAIR
            SING KAREOKEE BE WHOEVER YOU DARE
            THE KIND OF PLACE YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU FEEL
            IT’S ALL GOOD HERE AS LONG AS IT’S REAL


  CHORUS:THERE’S STILL THINGS YOU CAN’T BUY ONLINE
                     LIKE A COLD BEER OR A GOOD OLD TIME
                     THERE’S NO RULES HERE BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE
                      IT’S AN OPEN BAR THE LAST PLACE TO BE FREE

This could use a rewriting to clean up rhythm of some of lines, but it has some catchy moments.  
Spend a little more time reworking this, and please resubmit in a future lyric contest. 
Try to avoid making a rhyme for the sake of making a rhyme.  What you’re trying to say comes ahead of doing that. 


20.  “ WE’RE  ALL  DRINKING  BEER “

   V-1  WON’T BE NO FANCY CHINA OR TOFU SERVED WITH BEETS
           JUST PAPER PLATES POTATO SALAD AND PLENTY OF BARBECUED MEATS. “Just paper plates and pickles and barbecued meats”…fits better.
           IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A MARTINI YOU WON’T FIND IT HERE         “for martinis,”  fits better.  Or “Don’t look for your martini, girl, you won’t find it here.”
           THIS IS AN OLD SCHOOL COUNTRY PARTY WE’RE ALL DRINKING BEER.        “This is old school, country party….”  Strengthens the line.


CHORUS:  YEA WE’RE all DRINKING BEER, THE WHOLE GANG IS HERE
                      AINT NO ROOM FOR TROUBLE WE STOP THAT ON THE DOUBLE
                      WE’RE FUN LOVING PEOPLE THAT MESSAGE CRYSTAL CLEAR
                      WE’RE HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME, WE’RE JUST DRINKING BEER


   V-2  LEAVE YOUR SUIT AND DRESS AT HOME WE WEAR TEE-SHIRTS AND JEANS
          WE’LL BE DANCING COUNTRY STYLE AND SHOW YOU WHAT THAT MEANS. “You” seems off.  Perhaps. “Show off what that means”
           GOT NO ROOM FOR ATTITUDE LEAVE YOUR POLITICS AT THE DOOR.               Suggestion:  this line is out of rythm.  Look for a solution.
          WE WANT FRIENDLY PEOPLE AND ALWAYS WELCOME MORE


CHORUS:  YEA WE’RE DRINKING BEER, THE WHOLE GANG IS HERE
                      AINT NO ROOM FOR TROUBLE WE STOP THAT ON THE DOUBLE
                      WE’RE FUN LOVING PEOPLE THAT MESSAGE CHRYSTAL CLEAR
                      WE’RE HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME, WE’RE JUST DRINKING BEER


 V-3  I HEAR THEY HAVE SERVING STATIONS AND WAITERS AT PARTYS IN HOLLYWOOD.  This line is too long.  Try to reword for good flow.
        WE ALL JUST SERVE OURSELVES THAT WORKS OUT PRETTY GOOD
        YOU DON’T NEED BOOTS AND A STETSON TO GET A DRINK HERE
        THIS COUNTRY PARTY’S FOR EVERYONE, WE’RE JUST DRINKING BEER             Suggestion:  “This country party’s for all. We’re just drinking beer.”


CHORUS:  YEA WE’RE DRINKING BEER, THE WHOLE GANG IS HERE
                      AINT NO ROOM FOR TROUBLE WE STOP THAT ON THE DOUBLE
                      WE’RE FUN LOVING PEOPLE THAT MESSAGE CHRYSTAL CLEAR
                      WE’RE HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME, WE’RE JUST DRINKING BEER. 

Young people DO love a beer drinking song, and this lyric works in that country genre with aces. 
Good for party, sing along, and lots of beer.  You didn’t stray from your point, and just needs a little polishing.
Thanks for the submission.  I will look for more from you with this kind of fervor. 




2019 SUMMER WINNER  - there were 39 entries
Thanks to Lyric Contest Director, Alexis for these comments.

First: The Miracle Man by Mike P Ryan, Fairfax, Va
Second: Fishnet Hose by Mimi Balkey, Plano, Tx
Third: Marie by Don Wall, Dallas, Tx
HM.  Free Piano by Bill Kapac, Wildwood, NJ
This has so much potential. It needs careful rewriting, but I think it’s worth the effort.
HM Seaside Serenade by Bill Kapac, Wildwood, NJ
This has such potential, but it needs some rewriting for the sake of meter and cadence and even rhyming. Why are there are two bridges and too many versions of the chorus? Much too long.

1. THE MIRACLE MAN by Mike P Ryan, Fairfax, Va

Verse 1: 
The summer air was hot and still the sun blazed in the sky
Corn and wheat were stiff and brown the ground was cracked and dry
July brought (on) an awful drought that seemed to have no end
Farms and fields were buried by dust carried on the wind  

Is this a Chorus?  I’m going to assume so.
Then one day a mighty wagon rolled up into town
The driver reined the horses in and people gathered round
He said friends and neighbors; I’ve come to ease your pain.  He said, “Hidy, friends and neighbors; I’ve….
If you’ll agree to a modest fee; I can make it rain

Verse 2: 
He said Mother Nature has dealt you a losing hand          He said, “Mother Nature dealt you a nasty, losing hand.
This brutal drought has choked the very life out of your land
But I have a proven system to bring the rain you need
The scientific methods I employ are guaranteed 

Verse 3: 
I’ve made it pour in Kansas and in Oklahoma too
It would be my pleasure friends to do the same for you
I’ll return the bounty to these barren plains    I’ll return the bounty to these sad and barren plains    
Trust in me; for a modest fee; I can make it rain

BRIDGE:
No more worried nights praying on your bended knees
No more staring at the sky hoping heaven hears your pleas
Troubled times are at an end; a new day is at hand
What you need is a miracle and I’m the miracle man

Verse 4:
The people came that evening and brought him their precious things 
Jars of coins, weathered bills, and diamond wedding rings 
He said come the morning, you won’t believe your eyes.  He said, “When comes the morning, you won’t….
When you wake there’ll be a deluge falling from the skies

Verse 5:
Morning broke; the people woke and stepped out of their homes
The sky was clear; the ground was dry as old Ezekiel’s bones 
They went in search of answers; they gathered in the town
But the man who’d made the promises was nowhere to be found

Verse 6:
The wagon tracks left Main Street and ran off to the east
With no trace of the wagon; no sign of man nor beast
The next day in a nearby town a familiar voice exclaimed
If you’ll agree to a modest fee; I can make it rain

ADD A FINAL Chorus: 
That’s the tale of a mighty wagon that rolled up into a town
The driver reined the horses in and people gathered round
He said friends and neighbors; I’ve come to ease your pain.  He said, “Hidy, friends and neighbors, I’ve come…
If you’ll agree to a modest fee; I can make it rain
*Good story. Well told.  I made a few suggestions in red. Without proper labels to define the chorus and verses, It was tough judging this lyric against other better structured entries.
2. FISHNET HOSE by Mimi Balkey, Plano, Tx

She pulled up with her entourage          
Parked next to my old Dodge Parked next to my beat up Dodge
She looked at me and I just froze
She’s way outside of my zip code                               
She likes her vodka on the rocks
Wears (her) shiny pink lip gloss        
My buddies say I’m on my own
I’m so beyond my comfort zone

(Chorus)
She’s got freckles on her nose
Long legs in her fishnet hose How I love her fishnet hose (like your last chorus)
I just knew when I saw those                                   
I was goin’ fishin’ for those fishnet hose         

There’s no ring on her southpaw
Guess she said no to them all
Sure would like to kiss her face
I wonder how pink lip gloss tastes
I need a hook and a real strong line
I want the bait to work this time       
Don’t even know where to begin
To find a way to reel her in Must find a way….

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
I’ve got to get my courage up
The waters look a little rough
I know now I’m on a mission I’m all fired up about this mission;
Where’s my sign that says gone fishin’ Where’s my pole; I’m going fishin’
(Chorus)

(Last Chorus)
She’s got freckles on her nose
How I love her fishnet hose
I can’t help it, God only knows       Can’t help myself.  God only knows (could work in the 1st chorus, too.)
I’m goin’ fishin’ for those fishnet hose

*Try to make both choruses the same and find more ways to add catchiness to the lyric.



3. ”Marie” by Don Wall, Dallas, Tx

She lived by the sea
Her name was Marie
With her shells and her honey blonde hair

And her eyes were azure
As the sky and the lure
Of the oceans of my Marie

Freedom she said
Will get in your head
And the breeze will blow soft and sure. And the breeze will blow soft and fair

And the look in her eyes
Far away as the skies
Of the birds flying over the sea

(chorus)
Oh Marie
Wild and Free
I never put a hold on you
You never put a hold on me

(guitar break)

She left me she did
To live off the grid
With her shells and her salty air

And I'd give all I've got
To go back to the spot
For one moment she was my Marie.       For one moment with my sweet Marie

(chorus)
Oh Marie
Wild and Free
I never put a hold on you
You never put a hold on me

(repeat chorus - Ending)


*The lyric flows pretty well.  I made suggestions in red for meter and rhyme such as in the ninth line, changing the last word to “fair” keeps your rhyme consistent with hair and air. I think I heard this at a DSA meeting.  

Just Some Additional Comments:

 “When Night Falls “ Derek Houghton, Toronto, Ontario
Verse: When night falls as lovers often do                
when the ocean watches the stars rendezvous. 
when trees lift their head to get a better view When tress lift their heads to get a better view.
that is when I find my thoughts     That’s when my thoughts are turning back to you.
turning back to you
Chorus:Turning , turning, turning back to you              
My thoughts are always turning turning back to you, My thoughts are always turning back to you.
Turning, turning, turning back to you
My thoughts are always turning, turning back to you My thoughts are always turning, turning back to you
Verse:It's a fools game I play, digging up this old desireIt’s a fools game, digging up this old desire,
My body stands on the sidelines while my heart conspires, Me standing on the sidelines while my heart conspires,
but like a child swinging' on a back porch
bursting with childish dreams Bursts with childish dreams
I am just a love struck fool, my heart burstin' at the seams. I’m just a lovestruck fool, heart burstin’ at the seams
Verse:Each kiss I gave you, was preparation for the next
each embrace I wrapped you up in was a rehearsal for the rest.  *Work on the cadence on this verse.
and there may be days when purple forgets that it was once blue
but there is hardly a day my thoughts they don't turn back to you
Chorus:
Verse:There are times I remember,
times I don't
when everything comes up roses
'cept the things that won't
when we where tangled up in our sheets
like pirates lost at sea
swept away by a gust of wind
to The Land Of Make Believe
Bridge:And when daylight comes, as it is known to do
When the evening candles melt in to the sweetest morning dew
As I wait patiently for the coffee to brew
I am so happy my thoughts are always turning, turning back to you.


Judge’s Remarks:  I found some little jewels in your lyric, so I want to encourage you to work on the piece.  The first thing to consider is the title.  It doesn’t work, and the title’s important.  You’ve repeated “Turning Back to You” multiple times in key places. I’d consider that your title.  It’s also the subject of your lyric.  This song does not speak about night falling…or even lovers falling apart in the same manner that it speaks about turning back to the person missed.

Next, I suggest you work on meter, cadence, and rearranging some words as well as keeping to four lines in a verse. I’ll make just a few suggestions in the margins about what kind of things I think could improve your piece. 


Hoop De Doo:  Pretty cute.  Some good lines.  Needs structure and condensed.

Raven:   Good title, decent concept, needs work.

It’s a Long Way to Gate Number 9:  It had potential but didn’t make it.

Please Don’t Take My Hand, Baby:      Stayed on point pretty well.

Daisy Chains and Satin Dolls: Pretty good, but I don’t get the  title’s meaning.  There are some good lines.

Love Bite: Potential. I could hear the song in my head somewhat.

Responsible:  It rhymed and had some form.  

 Staring at the Future: Pretty good. I made some suggestions.  

Won’t Abandon Ship: Verse 1 doesn’t give the lyric a good start or direction, but the rest is not bad.

 Heaven: Pretty good.  I made several suggestions to help meter.

Like I’m Dead:    Someone needs to check on this person.  Seriously.

A Little Time for Us: It starts out pretty well, but then he changes up his choruses. 



2019 SPRING WINNERS:  
     First Place: #13 She’s So Mysterious by Mimi Balkey, Plano, Tx
Second Place: # 4 Before by Lisa Simmons, Carrollton, TX
Third Place: #14 I Don’t Love You Anymore by Kyle Short, McKinney, Tx

Thanks to Lyric Contest Director, Alexis for these comments.

1.  Trapped ©2019 Haylee Beard, Jacksonville Beach, FL

I’m everything,
But I’m not me. I’m everything, but I’m not me.
Insides rollin on empty. My insides rollin on empty.
Need something that can fill me. Need something that can fill my soul.
I tried love it kept me busy, I tried love … It left a hole.
But my ride still wasn’t whippin. My ride still wasn’t whippin.
Hit my brakes cuz he was trippin. Hit my brakes cuz he was trippin.
Way too young for that commitment! Way too young for that commitment!
Self worth levels are deficient. Self-worth levels are deficient.
I’m still sittin’ here with old me. I’m still hanging with the old me.
I don’t trust enough to show me. Don’t trust enough so I can see.  OR.  Trust is low so I can’t see.
Insecurity is shinin, Insecurity is shinin,
Now my box it is outlinin, Now my box it is outlinin’,
And I’m trapped.
Thought I escaped,I am trapped. I am trapped.  Thought I’d escaped,
But I’ve relapsed. But I’ve relapsed. (rhyming line here to finish, like:  “and lost my way.”)
Eyes are deceiving.
My mind is misleading. Eyes (cut) deceiving. Mind’s (cut) misleading.
Scrollin’ the timelines
Is not so relieving. Scrollin’ (cut) timelines’s not (cut) relieving.
Oh what a pith,
Your life is a myth! Oh what a pith, Your life’s a myth!
Too many standards,
That I cannot hit. Too many standards, (cut)  I can’t hit.
Anxiety sets.
Depression is next. Anxiety sets. Depression’s next.
Just give me an F!
Not passing this test. (Cut) Give me an F. I failed this (cut) test.
Rolly is a Fitbit.
My hair’s in a bun. My Rolly’s Fitbit.  My hair’s a bun.
Too many outfits,
And I didn’t find one. I’ve too many outfits but couldn’t find one.
Tears hit that drip, drip,
Heart starts to skip, skip, Tears fall drip, drip, Heart goes skip, skip,
Minds going crazy,
I’m throwing me a fit, fit! Mind gone flip, flip… throwing me a fit, fit!
I’m so sorry.
Nerves all over my body. I’m so sorry. Nerves rule body.                 <weak area of lyric begins with this line.
I wish I loved me.
You shouldn’t date me. I wish I loved me. You shouldn’t date me. <weak ending to this line.
I don’t mean to be a flake.
I know that you think I’m fake. < I don’t feel these 2 lines work.  I suggest you rework this area.
I’m scared of being judged,
When my fit is all messed up. Scared of being judged, When my fit’s (cut all) messed up.
Think I gained 5 in my butt,
And 5 in my gut. (cut) I gained 5 in my butt, 5 more in my gut.
Now I’m feeling rushed.
Damn, I think something came up! Now I’m feeling rushed. Damn, (cut) something came up!
Can we take a rain check?
Gotta get my brain checked. Can I get a rain check? Gon’ get my brain checked.
Think I’m gonna stay home,
Binge watch Netflix on my own. Think I’ll stay home, Binging Netflix on my own.
I can wear my comfy clothes,
And think about how no one knows. I can wear my comfy clothes, and think (cut) how lucky no one knows.
Relax and drink my sparklin’ water.
I’ll work it out with you tomorrow. Relax and drink my sparklin’ water. I’ll work it out with you tomorrow.
I know that you like me.
I really like you too. I know that you like me. And I really like you too.
But I don’t know if dating you is something I can do.
I’ve kept myself locked up,
Deep down inside. I’ve kept myself locked up, so Deep down inside.
If I pour my heart out,
Will it make you run and hide? If I pour my heart out to you, Will it make you run and hide?
((Sigh) Why do I do this?
I know not to let it get this far.) ((Sigh) Why do I do this? I know not to let it get this far.)
Oh this is it.
I plead the fifth.
Stop with the banter.
You need to quit. Oh this is it.  I plead the fifth.  Stop with the banter.  You need to quit.
I know you’re upset.
What did you expect? I know you’re upset. What did you expect?
My youths in effect.
No time to invest. My youths in effect. No time to invest.
My status stays single.
My kids are dogs. My status stays single. My kids are my dogs.
Too many DMs,
Had to go on backlog. Too many DMs, Had to go on backlog.
Looks hit that drip, drip.
Hearts start to skip, skip. Looks make me flip, flip.  Hearts start to skip, skip.
He’s going crazy.
Cuz I won’t commit. He’s going crazy.  Cuz I won’t commit.

Judge’s Comments:  I read this as rap and enjoyed some of your interesting choices. Most of your lyric’s message is clear to me, and I feel your subject’s frustration. I also enjoyed the rapid train of thought and your subject’s fluctuating confidence level. However, I would suggest you re-read the lyric from the standpoint of someone who doesn’t know this story and see if you can find the lines that don’t flow with the others as there are a few confusing, unclear, or off point lines. 

I’ve offered suggestions above in red that might help clarify your message as well as help correct your phrasing and cadence. The rhythm, stressed syllables, and the fluctuating length of lines with no line breaks just need some tightening up. I believe even a rap song can benefit from more structure such as clear separation of verse from chorus. 

I did enjoy delving into your submission. Keep writing and sharing your thoughts.   

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2. Distance ©2019 Haylee Beard, Jacksonville Beach, FL

[Verse 1]
Gringos Locos, Downtown Orlando
That’s where I met this fine ass fellow
Height was nice and his face was cute
Had good taste in tacos too
Only had that night to hang
Was leavin’ in the mornin with my gang

[Chorus]
Stuck on limited time
But we won’t know if we don’t try
I want you in my life
Can you hop on the next flight?
Distance is what’s in our way
Two hours is so far away
When you’re tryna do a first date

[Verse 2]
I don’t wanna drive that far, 
to come back cryin’ in my car
Not sure it’s worth it
Usually non committal, but I wanna be yours
No ones been able to hold me down before
Can you do it? 

[Chorus]
Stuck on limited time
But we won’t know if we don’t try
I want you in my life
Can you hop on the next flight?
Distance is what’s in our way
Two hours is so far away
When you’re tryna do a first date

[Verse 3]
We’ve been stagnant on makin this happen’
Both afraid our hearts ll’be crackin’
Neither one of us wanna call it quits
We should put fire to this
Are we meant to be?
I don’t know, what I do know is...

[Chorus]
We’re stuck on limited time
But we won’t know if we don’t try
I want you in my life
Can you hop on the next flight?
Distance is what’s in our way
Two hours is so far away
When you’re tryna do a first date


Judge’s Comments: The chorus works pretty well and is fairly smooth as it describes these two lover’s plight. I think the second line could be improved by removing “but’ and adding “love”. 
Ei: “We won’t know love if we don’t try.” You might add ”very” to the fourth line: ”the very next flight?” which makes it flow better. Also, I would add an eighth line by repeating the first line  title phrase again, reconfirming the message.  This is better form and will probably work better with the music, too.

I’d like to see you continue to work on this lyric: write and rewrite. Consider these questions: What do you want to say? Who are you speaking to? Is there a final point? To me, it feels like by the time you reached the third verse, you lost direction on the structure which makes it weak. 

Try to find new ways to say things without falling into over used phrases, and avoid using a word just because it rhymes with your previous line.  A forced rhyme seldom helps your story. I suggest  you pick your favorite line from each verse and rework the verse, starting with that one line.  Reinforce your story line with fresh words and phrases.

Lastly, your first verse works better than the second and third verses. Those last two verses tell your story somewhat, but they’re weak compared to the chorus and the first verse. I’d like to see you resubmit this lyric after a little, more work. 


***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

3. Lost Soul ©Haylee Beard, Jacksonville Beach, FL

[Verse 1]
Used to know who I am
Used to understand every step of my plan
I had a vision, a dream, a feeling
I followed it through...until it’s ending
Life got so murky
I stopped swimmin’
Couldn’t see
I lost the vision
[Chorus]
Now I’m strollin’ like a lost soul
Hopin’ that I’ll find a home
Makin’ moves but it’s hard to know
If I’m headed down the right road
[Verse 2]
I keep callin’
They’re all so busy
Why’d we move
To different cities?
The things that shaped me
Have all replaced me
Got me feelin’
Like no one needs me
[Chorus]
Now I’m strollin like a lost soul
Hopin’ that I’ll find a home
Makin’ moves but it’s hard to know
If I’m headed down the right road
[Verse 3]
What is my purpose?
Why am I here?
Try to move
Frozen by fear
Stuck in a circle
Tryin’ to break it
Brain sayin’ change it
My body can’t take it
[Chorus]
Now I’m strollin like a lost soul
Hopin’ that I’ll find a home
Makin’ moves but it’s hard to know
If I’m headed down the right road
[Verse 4]
It’s hard to be somebody
When you don’t have anybody
Only have myself to blame
For running from everything
[Chorus]
So I’m strollin like a lost soul
Hopin’ that I’ll find a home
Makin’ moves but it’s hard to know
If I’m headed down the right road
.

Judge’s Comments:  I like your chorus.  I would probably add “my” and “so”  to the third line, ei: “Makin’ my moves, but it’s so hard to know.” The last line needs another syllable to fit with the previous lines, so perhaps you can work that a bit.  The reference to “strollin” suggests a pleasant afternoon walk, but this song is about being lost or being sad. Perhaps another word like “stumbling”, “groping”, “traveling”, “snuggling”, or “wandering” would better describe this movement. When writing, it can be fun and beneficial to the song to try out different words to say close to the same thing, and see what fits.  

The verses could use some work.  I suggest reading your words aloud over and over, changing a word here and there to see if it flows better with that change.  Even if I like a line in one of my lyrics, if it isn’t progressing the story, then it probably isn’t the right line.  I hope you continue to work on this piece and will resubmit it.

**********************************************************************************************************************************
SECOND PLACE WINNER

4. BEFORE © 2019 Lisa Simmons, Carrollton, TX

Song Lyrics:
V1 Before I took a breath/you knew my days
Before I took a step/You knew the way
You knew that I'd be blind/Until you opened up my eyes
You knew before...

V2 Before I feel the pain/You see my tears
Before I bow my head/You hear my prayers
You knew that I'd be weak/So you promised me your strength
You knew before...

Chorus:
So I know I can trust You/No matter what I walk through
If I ever feel like doubting/when I hear Satan's roar. 
I hear you whisper/You knew before suggestion: “I know You have my back, Lord /You always know before.”

V3
Before I lose all hope/You restore
Before I reach the end/You say there's more
When I'm weary from the struggle/ You remind me that it's won
You knew before

Chorus

Bridge:
You are not surprised or unaware. (Use of “You’re” would help the meter.)
My future is secure/'cause you're already there... ”My future’s sure, because/ You’re already there.”
instrumental-you knew before....you knew before...

Chorus


Judge’s Comments:   I enjoyed your lyric.  There may be things to tighten up, but it has good potential, and I think it would sound nice with some well produced music.  One suggestion:  I wonder if the phrase “You knew before…” at the end of ever verse and chorus would flow better if it was this:
“You always know before” or “You knew then, and You always know before”. This also brings the lyrics back to the moment, perhaps, even a little more hope for the future and not just the past.

Good luck with your writing and keep it up.  Thanks for the submission.

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           5.  “ Everything and You “ ©2019 Andre Kerek, Miami, FL

1st Verse
                            Fate just handed me a calling card
                            Oh my Lord  this caught me off guard
                            I'm void of passion  help me fill it
                            I want to live for every minute
                            Leaving you behind  will be so hard

Chorus
                             Time is short there's much to do
                             All I want is everything
                             Everything and you 
                             My time is short there's so much to do
                             All I want is everything
                             Everything and you

2nd Verse
                             I’m meditating in the summer rain
                             Hoping that my life was not in vain
                             I want to see you in the twilight
                             While I still can love you all night
                             You know how to deal with my pain 

Repeat   Chorus  

3rd Verse
                             Laying with my head upon your chest
                             I’m drifting into a peaceful rest
                             I wonder if it’s meant for me
                             To cut my life short suddenly
                             I had a dream this is my final test

Repeat  Chorus   

4th Verse
                              It’s too late to change the way things are
                              Without you I couldn’t come this far
                              You kept me strong when I was weak
                              But now I have a date to keep 
                              You’re the light that’s shining from my star


 Repeat  Chorus

Judge’s Comments: Your lyric has heart and good form, but I didn’t understand your overall message.  Are you talking about your own death?  Are you frustrated that you haven’t accomplished enough with your life?  Are you talking to the Lord or a friend or loved one?  Please rework this lyric with attention to telling your story clearly.  Use some specific details.  Make sure ever line helps draw the listener in as you keep the story on point,  and then resubmit it. 

I would suggest avoiding forced rhymes. A particular rhyme may sound good to your ears, but if it doesn’t advance the story, it isn’t working. Rewrites are essential to good lyrics.  Reread your lyric as if you’ve never heard the story, as if you really want to know what the writer is trying to say. Take notes about the thoughts you have as your read.  Ask yourself how you could say things differently to make your point clearer.  Rewrite lines in each section as an exercise to see what you come up with. The work will be worth it when you read through again and see your message coming to life.

Also, try using some details that will bring your story to life.  Example: “Without you I couldn’t come this far.”  Why is it too late?  What’s happened that it’s too late?  How far have you come?  What did this person do to keep you strong?  Also, make sure to keep your verbs in the correct tense.  Your song structure is pretty good, but I do feel like the Chorus after the 3rd verse could be a bridge.  Take this opportunity to drive home your point with lyrics that move the story to the next level or brings us closer to a resolution or the crisis.  We really do want to know what your point is.  Why is your life being cut short?  Is this person suicidal?  If so, why?   I believe you have a message, but you need to spend more time with the lyric to clean up your message.  Stay on point.  If a line doesn’t advance your story, set it aside and replace it with something you’ve given more thought to.  Don’t worry that you’ve found the perfect rhyme that you hate to give up.  You have a good sense of rhyme, so you’ll find another rhyme that will work just as well AND that will tell your story much better.  

Thank you for your submission.  I hope you’ll work further on your piece and resubmit it.

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6. Expect the Unexpected.     ©2019 Will Hoover, Henderson, NV

Sometimes life is easy
I suggest shortening to “life’s” for meter.
Sometimes it's not
Sometimes it's cool and breezy
I suggest leaving out “cool and” for meter.
Sometimes it's hot
Sometimes no one sees me
I suggest “Sometimes I sneak by” or “ Sometimes escapee” or something that’s the opposite of caught.
Sometimes I'm caught
Sometimes I'm on the bottom
I suggest leaving out “I’m”  and “the” for meter.  ei: “on bottom”
Sometimes on top
Sometimes I'm just soarin'
I suggest leaving out “just” for meter.
Sometimes I drop
Sometimes I keep on rollin'
I suggest “I’m rollin’” for meter.
Sometimes I stop

CHORUS
Always expect the unexpected (Word to the wise)
You can expect the unexpected (Open up your eyes)
I sure expect the unexpected (Don't be surprised) I suggest possibly replacing “I sure”.
Everything should turn out fine most of the time. Due to the use of the condition set with “most of the time”, I suggest: Everything will turn out fine most of the time. 

Sometimes you're the ceiling
Sometimes the rug
Sometimes you get a whuppin'
Sometimes a hug
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes the bug
Sometimes you're successful
Sometimes you fail
Sometimes you go fishing I suggest “ Sometimes you go free” to keep up the awesome opposites you have going.
Sometimes to jail
Sometimes you're the hammer
Sometimes the nail

CHORUS
Always expect the unexpected (Word to the wise)
You can expect the unexpected (Open up your eyes)
I sure expect the unexpected (Don't be surprised)
Everything should turn out fine most of the time

BRIDGE
No one knows what's coming
No one knows what life will send
What we least expect to happen just might be what gets us in the end
Life is full of twists and turns
And turns and twists again
What you least expect to happen just might be what gets you in the end

CHORUS
Always expect the unexpected (Word to the wise)
You can expect the unexpected (Open up your eyes)
I sure expect the unexpected (Don't be surprised)
Everything should turn out fine most of the time

Sometimes you're the good guy I suggest “ saint” instead of “good guy”.  It’s also non-gender.
Sometimes you sin
Sometimes you drop out
Sometimes you stay in I suggest leaving out “stay” for meter.
Sometimes you're the loser I suggest changing to “losing” for meter.
Sometimes you win
Sometimes life is easy I suggest shortening to “life’s” for meter.
Sometimes it's not....

Judge’s Comments:  I enjoyed your clever use of opposites and your effort to find interesting examples.  Overall, I like your lyric, but I hope to see you improve on phrasing and cadence. I made suggestions above. 

The chorus doesn’t seem to further the message in your verses about opposites. I like the chorus, but you’re missing an opportunity to boost your clever verses when you’ve attached them to a chorus that doesn’t drive home the point.  Try using something about lovers who are opposites or something tangible with an opposite or even by using the word ‘opposite’ in the chorus. You would then probably need to change the title as well. 

Sometimes I replace an entire chorus in one of my lyrics, but I stash it away to become a chorus for another song at a later date. Perhaps you could use this particular chorus for another song about the unexpected. I hope you’ll work on this a bit more and resubmit it.  The verses deserve another go. 

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7. You Bet Your Life  ©2019 Will Hoover, Henderson, NV


You bet your life that he would love you more than I would.
You bet your life that you’d be happier with him.
You played the odds that he could give you more than I could.
I tried and tried to help you see those odds were slim.

I can play again tomorrow if you deal me in.
I can raise the stakes that I'll be there for good.
I can give you all the love you ever wanted. 1st and 3rd line should rhyme &
And would I make you glad you had me? Yes I would.
You bet your life.

You bet your life that you could get along without me.
You bet your life that I could live without you too. I would think it would be “You bet my life” on this line.
You called my stupid bluff, and then you upped the ante. “Stupid” is unnecessary and messes up the meter.
Our home can never be a full house without you. Perhaps replace “full” with love or something that fits the song.

I can play again tomorrow if you deal me in.
I can raise the stakes that I'll be there for good.
I can give you all the love you ever wanted. 1st and 3rd line should rhyme.
And would I make you glad you had me? Yes I would.
You bet your life.

If you go all in on one hand you might lose it You begin to lose your rhyme scheme here.
If you let me play my cards right, then deal me in
Don't risk all your fortune on this one game
If you take a chance on me we both can win.

I can play again tomorrow if you deal me in.
I can raise the stakes that I'll be there for good.
I can give you all the love you ever wanted.
And would I make you glad you had me? Yes I would.
You bet your life.


Judge’s Comments:  I appreciate your idea for the bet.  I would like to see you work on this lyric  further and resubmit it.  Be willing to rewrite several lines collectively in order to get your point across without losing phrasing or cadence and without losing the point of your message.  Thank you for your submission and keep writing.

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8.  I Think of You ©2019 Will Hoover, Henderson, NV

Song Lyrics:
First thing every morning
What do I do?
As I feed the cat, I think of you
With my morning coffee
What do I do?
As I fill my cup, I think of you.
What do you think I think of?
I think of you.
I think you know I think of you.
You permeate my waking hours; you fill up all my dreams.
I think you know I think of you; that's all I think it seems.
Although you're never with me, you know you know it's true-
No matter what I do I think of you.
When I drive to work
What do I do?
As I park the car, I think of you.
All throughout the workday
What do I do?
As the hours tick by, I think of you
What do you think I think of?
I think of you.
I think you know I think of you.
You permeate my waking hours; you fill up all my dreams.
I think you know I think of you; that's all I think it seems.
Although you're never with me, you know you know it's true-
No matter what I do I think of you.
Last thing in the evening
What do I do?
As I fall asleep, I think of you.
What do you think I think of?
I think of you.
I think you know I think of you.

Judge’s Comments: I had difficulty determining where a verse ended and the chorus began.  It’s helpful to a contest judge and especially if you’re pitching your song, if you follow good form. I would suggest further work on your lyric for resubmission.  Try to think of specifics about this person you love or about moments you’ve shared with that person. Details bring in realism, and sharing these details with your listeners will peak our interest.  Thank you for your submission.  Continue to write.

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9. OUT OF LUCK  ©Don Coyne2019

I haven't seen you since that night.
Sometimes I talk like you're still here.
What happened in that screw-loose moment
Is hangin' in my mind, all too clear.

I said, "Why don't you go get ready?
Let's take a drive down to Big Jake's.  
We'll have a few drinks, check out their new band,
And get a couple of tomahawk steaks."

     I wasn't thinking anything more
     As we headed out the door.

     How could I know how crazy it would get?
     How could I know this night would suck?
     That one thing would lead to another, and
     Make this the night my love life ran OUT OF LUCK.
    
Maybe we both had one too many,
And maybe that's just my excuse.
When you are acting out of your head,
It's so damn easy to blame the juice.

I saw you kissing some strange dude,
A guy I hadn't seen around.
It hit me hard, got my fists a-flyin',
Was goin' all out to take him down.

     And then you helped him get up off the floor,
     And you headed out the door.

     How could I know how crazy it would get?
     How could I know this night would suck?
     That one thing would lead to another, and
     Make this the night my love life ran OUT OF LUCK.
     The night my love life ran OUT OF LUCK.

          I saw you hop right into his truck,
          And watched as the taillights faded out.
          Wasn't sure what to make of that reaction.
          Was it more sympathy, or more attraction?
          But I never thought that winning a fight
          Could turn out to be such a bummer night.

     How could I know how crazy it would get?
     How could I know this night would suck?
     That one thing would lead to another, and
     Make this the night my love life ran OUT OF LUCK.
     The night my love life ran OUT OF LUCK.
     My love life ran OUT OF LUCK.


Judge’s Comments:  Work on cadence and phrasing and clarity of message.  It’s helpful to a contest judge or someone you may pitch your song to, if the song structure is good: verse, chorus, verse, bridge, chorus. Then label them accordingly.  You have included a couple of two line sections which I’m not sure if they are verbal turn-arounds, mini-bridges, or what.  

Your lyric is pretty visual, and parts of it, I can see clearly, but the message needs to be edited and tightened up.  Be willing to throw out a line here or there if it doesn’t help keep your message on point.  Some words and phrases just sound better than others, so think of more appealing ways to express the same thought.  Consider these questions:  Does your speaker still love this lady?  Does he dislike her? Does he even really know her, or is she a one-night stand?  I don’t know these things from the lyric, so I can’t commiserate with this guys point of view. 

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10. Look For The Helpers (Mister Rogers vs Trump) ©Christopher L. Kuhn 2019


Introduction:

I fell asleep
On Red Trolley.
Woke in the Neighborhood
Of Make Believe.

There was no Daniel Tiger.

Just a lost boy
In a red hat.
It was just him
And Mister Rogers.

Verse:

You made this day a special day
By you being you.
Theres no one in the world like you,
And I like you the way you are.
Sorry loser but my IQs the highest.
You know it; dont feel so stupid.
Its not your fault.

Chorus:

Beautiful Day.
Wont you be
My neighbor?

Verse:

Its great to stop when youve planned
A thing thats wrong.
I feel so mad, I could bite,
But I can stop any time.
What you see is not happening.
Sweet revenge is not fattening.
Lock that bitch up.

Chorus:

Beautiful Day.
Wont you be
My neighbor?

Verse:

Ive learned to sing a sad song,
To say I am mad.
How I feel inside of me,
The truth will make me free.
Alt facts; truthful hyperbole.
I protect Christianity.
Truth is not truth.

Chorus:

Beautiful Day.
Wont you be
My neighbor?

Verse:

I know a girl and a boy.
They cried and cried.
Dad wants a jet plane; Mom said no.
Not their fault; grownup things.
Blood came out her eyes, out her wherever.
Piece of ass; where is my dinner?
Grab her by the.

Chorus:

Beautiful Day.
Wont you be
My neighbor?

Conclusion:

I saw scary things in the news
When I was a boy.
Momma said look for the helpers,
Go ahead and cry.

Judge’s Comments:   I see no clear message in these lyrics and would suggest a revisiting of the subject.  My suggestion would be to read these words aloud to yourself as if you were not the person who wrote them and see if they say what you wanted them to say.  Your audience doesn’t know your story, so you will want to make an effort to be more clear. Thank you for your submission.

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11. Gone Fishing. ©Martin Robley 2019

I can’t afford wasting time making money
I need some space, a hiding place, a get away
Want to find some peace of mind, somewhere sunny
Need a break, gonna take a holiday
So I’m loading up the ford Suggestion, let the judge know if this is your chorus:  
So much stuff I’ll leave behind       “Leaving  stuff behind.”
Wave goodbye to all my troubles “Waving bye to all my troubles”
Out of sight is out of mind
Chorus:
Gone fishing … Stuck a note outside my door
Gone fishing... Won’t be hanging around no more
I’ll be incommunicado,
Can’t be reached … no way no how
Gone fishing, gone fishing
Gone fishing… gone now
It’s too easy losing track chasing rainbows
Trying to reach that illusive pot of gold
Funny though, I don’t know where the time goes Love the two lines from funny through old.
But I know I’m far too young to feel this old
So I’m quitting my old job
The nine to five and all the stress Example: I think you should cut down the length of this line.
One last drink with all my buddies
Leave no forwarding address
Chorus:
Gone fishing … Stuck a note outside my door
Gone fishing... Won’t be hanging ‘round no more
I’ll be incommunicado,
Can’t be reached … no way no how
Gone fishing, gone fishing
Gone fishing… gone now
Bridge:
All my life searching for some meaning
Always looking out, never looking in
Think I’m due a little time for me now
Gonna cast a line and teach this worm to swim
Chorus:
Gone fishing … Read the note outside my door
Gone fishing... I don’t live here anymore
I am incommunicado,
Can’t be reached … no way no how
Gone fishing, gone fishing,
Gone fishing…
Chorus/Outro:
Gone fishing, (Adios, Au revoir)
Gone fishing, (Arrivederci, Aloha)
Gone fishing,
No more doing what I’m told
Gone fishing,
Could catch a whale or just a cold
Gone fishing, gone fishing
Gone fishing…gone now
See you later procrastinator, there’s fish to catch
Gone fishing ….Ciao.
Rule Agreement:
I agree to abide by all the rules of this contest.

Judge’s Comment: I would suggest whittling your lines down where needed to make your phrasing and cadence work. I’ve provided a few examples above. Try reading your work aloud over and over to hear what it sounds like to say or sing the words…how they flow off the tongue, how they fit together…whether you feel a clear beat as you speak. Squeezing too many words into a line throws off the cadence.

I like that your chorus is driven by repetition, good meter, and rhymes that haven’t been forced. And you make your point.  I hope you will work on this further to resubmit with DSA. Thank you for your submission.  

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12 NSIDE YOUR HEAD ©2019MIMI BALKEY, Plano, Tx

There’s someplace that I want to go to
Somewhere that I have never been
I think you know what I have been through
Trying to get in
I wonder if I’ll ever get there
I only know I have to try
So far I guess I’m getting nowhere     
Can’t get inside

(Chorus)
Denied again
I can’t come in
You won’t let me inside your head
That sacred place 
Behind your face
I want to be inside your head         

It’s there you keep your secret wishes    
The point where all your thoughts begin     
I wish I knew all your intentions                    
Please let me in
The place that you hold all your dreams     Suggested changes: The place that holds your dreams
It’s where you hide all your regrets Is where you hide regrets.
You keep them under lock and key                   
Inside your head This line could use two more beats to flow better, like “inside your pretty head.”

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
Why are you so scared
I’ll enter your mind Suggested change:  To let me in your mind.
Are there some skeletons there These next two lines could use tweaking.  Try other ways to say this same thing.
I will find

It’s where you go when you are worried         This whole verse is the weakest part of the song and could use reworded.   
You feel as safe as you can get
You always go in such a hurry
Inside your head

(Chorus)

Judge’s Comments: The lyric tells your story, but there are some areas that need reworked to flow better.  Try telling your story with more natural wording, like you might speak to a friend. I’ve made a few notes above, so you can see examples of what I’m referring to.  Try reading your words aloud several times, and then read them again with my suggestions inserted to see if the words flow more smoothly.  You have communicated the frustration your subject has with this other person, but try using some specific moments or details to enhance the story and draw in the listener.  Details can bring your story to life.  Thank you for your submission.

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FIRST PLACE WINNER

13. SHE'S SO MYSTERIOUS ©2019MIMI BALKEY, Plano, TX

She walked slowly down the tarmac   
Silk suit and black fishnets   Silk suit showed off her fishnets       
She tossed her auburn hair back
Then boarded the Learjet As she slinked up steps to Learjet
I've been paid to follow her
And it’s as good as it gets
                                                         
(Chorus)
I know the routine
But this is getting serious
I’m more than intrigued 
She's so mysterious I feel the chorus could use a few more lines.

Like:  What’s she doing to me?  It’s a mystery.
            I know the routine,  At least, what it should be.

She starts flirting with a stranger
Doesn't even ask his name
Can’t seem to sense the danger
Of this man aboard the plane
But I'm just paid to follow her
I'm not here to place the blame

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
She sips her chardonnay
She’s mesmerized the man
Her emerald eyes have replaced
The diamond gone from her left hand

It’s time to call my client
Need to tell him what I know  I’ll report what I know.
He'll probably get defiant
I’ll have to soothe his ego
I won't tell him I'm the stranger
Whose name she doesn't know

(Chorus)

(Last Chorus)
I know what all this means             
The danger is quite serious             
Those green eyes have me intrigued
She’s so mysterious

Judge’s Comments:  I enjoyed your story. You might reword a line here and there, but I suspect when you sing the song, you’ll fix timing issues with your vocal interpretation.  You have some good visual details and good song structure.  One suggestion:  in the last chorus, regarding the line “Those green eyes have me intrigued”: green doesn’t seem necessary and its inclusion alters the cadence.  You mentioned her emerald eyes in the bridge, so we know the color of her eyes.  All in all, good job.

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   THIRD PLACE WINNER

14. I Don't Love You Anymore. © 2019 Kyle Short, McKinney, TX

Song Lyrics:
I’m broken and your words can’t hurt me anymore
I’ve given you all I’ve got
You knocked me down so hard, I’m bleeding on the floor
I think you’re coming, but you’re not
I reached for you, you pulled away
Tears are the words I have to say
After years, all you can say…
“I don’t love you anymore”
You told my friends that I’m the one to blame Leave out:  “the one”.  This flows better.
Of course, you took your final shot
You thrust your sword so deep, to you it’s just a game
Yes, you’re the winner and I’m not
I reached for you, you walked away
Tears are the words I have to say
After years, all you can say…
“I don’t love you anymore”
“I don’t love you anymore”
My hands are bound, I choke away the pain
Feels like my options have run out
I glance outside once more, the sunshine feels like rain
As I drift away in doubt
I reached for you, you looked away
Tears are the words I have to say
After years, all you can say…
“I don’t love you anymore”
“I don’t love you anymore”
“I don’t love you anymore”
“I don’t love you anymore”
(over and over to the end)
© 2019 Kyle Short


Judge’s Comments: There are some little nuggets in your song that I appreciate and you have some structural work to improve upon.  I’m providing examples below of where your lyric could use tweaking if you wish to check them out. 

Your chorus sums up your message well. I’d like to see you rework some of the lyric and resubmit it to DSA next quarter.
  
See below for my examples:

I’m broken and your words can’t hurt me anymore
I’ve given you everything I’ve got
You knocked me down so hard, I’m bleeding on the floor
“Each time I think you’re coming back, (cut) you’re not.”  OR  
                “I think you’re coming back, but you’re not”
I reached for you, you pulled away
“Tears still flood the words I say.”
After years of us, all you say to me is…
“I don’t love you anymore”

You told my friends that I’m the one to blame
Of course, you took your final shot
You thrust your sword so deep: acting like love is a game
If it is, you’re the winner and I’m not
Chorus
The saddest words and saddest sound. 
It feels (cut) my options have run out
I glance outside (cut), the sun feels like rain
As I drift away in doubt (Cut this line that doesn’t do anything for the song.)
I reached for you, you looked away
Tears flood every word I say.
After years of us, all you can say is:
“I don’t love you anymore”
“I don’t love you anymore”
“I don’t love you anymore”  (You say again.)
“I don’t love you anymore” (it’s in my head.)
“I don’t love you anymore”
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15. WOUNDED

Home from working late at night
Goes to bed without her dinner
Thinks it isn't worth the fight
Keeping up without him This should rhyme with dinner or change dinner to something else easier to rhyme with.
Anger leaves her reeling
Nothing left to show
She knows she can't stop the feeling
Just by saying so

She wears shirts he left at home
Listens to his favorite station 
It only makes her more alone
Knowing he's back in Love
Midnight brings the yearning 
Keeping her awake
She still thinks he'll be returning
That love doesn't break,
Her mistake

          No one wants her cause she wants the man who did... I understand this line, but the jump to Wounded 
          Wounded leaves a lot of story untold.  
          No one wants her cause she wants the man who did...
          Wounded

Late at night she calls his number
Hears him say: "Hello"
Clicks him off, falls back under
Still not letting go
Even though 

          No one loves her cause she loves the man who did...
          Wounded
          No one loves her cause she loves the man who did...
          Wounded...he left her...wounded

Judge’s Comments:  The beginning of a song should set the mood and path.  Your first line sets the place and time, but the next line could be stronger and more heartfelt.  “Dinner” isn’t a sexy or emotionally strong word and really does nothing to advance the story.  The whole first verse could benefit from a rewrite.  I suggest you read your song aloud with a beat, trying to see what doesn’t fit well.  Try not to fit any more words into a line than comfortably fit without rushing as you speak them. Make some notes as you read and use your notes to rework the lyric.  You have something to say, so try saying it the best possible way you can. This will take work, but I suspect you’ll find it worth the effort.  Thank you for your submission.  Keep writing your stories.

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16.“And The Memory”. ©2019 David Lewis, Dallas Tx.
Judge’s Comments:   

Good first verse, sets the mood and what the subject hopes for.

Second verse:  I feel the cadence would work better if you change “you used to sing” to “you sang” which still rhymes fine with bring.   

The chorus:  The lyric doesn’t say specifically, but I think the person spoken of is deceased.  It would  help your listeners if you offer specifics.  Any visuals you can include will help the audience feel connected to your story.  Examples:  “blue eyes”, “warm brush of your hand”, “stealing my covers”, “standing in the rain crying”.  These particular phrases may not work.  Only you know your story’s details.  Color the lyric with the things that you see in your head.  Make some notes about the experiences you had with this person and draw from those to write. Your form is good, but I’d like to see you work on this a bit more, looking for less over-used phrases. Some fresh images.  We want to feel your pain, so think of something very specific and find a way to share that.  

Perhaps change the line in the final choruses to the following: 
“Of two lives that come together in the end.” 
It flows better and the past tense verb “came” suggests you’ve already met up again.  Have you?  I don’t know from the lyric.


Thank you for your submission.  Keep writing.

Winners 2018 Winter Lyric Contest


SEMIFINALIST
Shey  by Kenneth Adams, Rockwall, Tx 
Dreaming by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
Homeless Sky by  Michael Roth, Arlington, VA
If You Have any Questions, Ask You by Ken Adams, Rockwall, TX
Five Day Weekend by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
The Bridge is Higher by Minnie Murray, Sante Fe, NM
You Are My Fantasy by Myra Litton, London, UK

WINNERS

First Place::   Shey  by Kenneth Adams, Rockwall, Tx 
Second Place::  Dreaming by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
Third Place:: Homeless Sky by  Michael Roth, Arlington, VA
Fourth Place: If You Have any Questions, Ask You by Ken Adams, Rockwall, TX
Honorable MentionFive Day Weekend by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
Honorable MentionThe Bridge is Higher by Minnie Murray, Sante Fe, NM
Honorable Mention: You Are My Fantasy by Myra Litton, London, UK

We have some winners

First Place::   Shey  by Kenneth Adams, Rockwall, Tx 
    I liked this song because it did not have a lot of hazy, gauzy imagery in its first verse --- it gets directly to the pointThe singer and Shey have a problem they've been avoiding and its "time we faced the truth".  Shey wants a structured life, which apparently isn't to the singer's tasteShe wants children, a house, a conventional life, and judging by the "sigh" it sounds like she's been seeing it, although she doesn't want to face it.  
When the song breaks for the chorus, I like the imagery, he's "hungry for the wind, a Texas tumbleweedI can feel his joy as he sings about the blowin' in the wind lifestyle in the last two lines of chorus, I can almost hear them without even knowing what the musical structure of the song is.  
    This is not a new song subject, it has been done before, but it is well structured, well thought out so that all the lines contribute to the song, and well written in my viewI would like to know what went wrong, Shey and the singer obviously had something that drew them together so that they are in the close relationship they find themselves in now, what happened to change thingsChange of heart? Or maybe there's no simple answer, but the fact that I WANT TO KNOW MORE tells me the lyricist is crafting something that draws me inMaturity changes things, and the bridge might be better used to explain where things went wrong rather than rehashing positions that Shey and the singer have already staked out in the early verses of the songStill I believe this is a fine lyric, and I would love to hear the finished product, with music, as I felt I could almost hear the chorus in my head in the "waiting for me, Ah hah, waiting for me, waiting for me, Ah hah" ending.   

Shey, isn't it time we talk about it
Shey, isn't it time we faced the truth
I'll never be what you want 
A man to be, what you want
We both know it Shey, we know

Shey, you want the house, you want the kids
Shey, two for sure maybe more
Don't look at me that way
What's with the sigh?
I've seen your eyes light up just thinking about it
Shey, I'm too shaky for the ride
Shey, the clock is ticking

(Chorus)

I get hungry for the wind
Like Texas tumbleweed
I stagger and stumble unpredictably
Deep inside there's a flying machine
Waiting on the runway, waiting for me
Ah hah, waiting for me, Ah hah

(Bridge)

Have the house, have the car, have the kids, have the yard
Call it desire, call it destiny
We're all hunters searching for a place in our dreams

(Chorus)

I get hungry for the wind
Like Texas tumbleweed
I stagger and stumble unpredictably
Deep inside there's a flying machine
Waiting on the runway, waiting for me
Ah hah, waiting for me, Ah hah

Shey, before things get more complicated
Shey, let's take a minute to reflect
You want that life, make it, you have a right, take it
I'll only zig zag down the road, get out of line eventually 

(Chorus)

I get hungry for the wind
Like Texas tumbleweed
I stagger and stumble unpredictably
Deep inside me there's a flying machine
Waiting on the runway, waiting for me
Ah hah, waiting for me, Ah hah

(Conclusion)

You can't change me Shey
You can't save me Shey
I might stay for a while but the day will come
When those engines call for me.


Second Place::  Dreaming by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
    I liked this song because it has a very nice description of dreaming, and I can relate to what the lyricist describes about their dreams, I've had the same kind of dreamsThose familiar faces, the feeling of deja vu, that I've been in this strange place before, brought the experience of a dream to me in a way that is down to earth enough that it could be a pop or country song, or it could be done in a very spacey, Pink Floyd way with misty synths and string sections, they lyrics sound like they would work either wayI also like the way the chorus is a summary of the whole experience, it draws the whole song togetherIf anything, I might add a bridge or some more specific description in verse of people or places that the writer has seen in his dreams, preferably something that everyone can relate to, such as a dream about grandma, or a long past love, something like thatBut I liked the flow, everything seems to move coherently togetherNice lyric!                         

 V-1  I LAY MY HEAD DOWN ON A PILLOW, AND TRY TO GO TO SLEEP
         BUT MY MIND IS SPINNING ROUND, THOUGHTS ARE DIGGING DEEP
         SOON I GUESS I’M SLEEPING, BUT I’M NEVER REALLY SURE               
         EVERYWHERE SEEMS SO REAL, LIKE I’VE BEEN THERE BEFORE


 V-2  I DON’T GO TO BED WITH A PLAN, I JUST CLOSE MY EYES
         WHEREVER THE NIGHT TAKES ME, IS ALWAYS A SURPRISE
         THE STREETS, HOUSES, TOWNS AND SO MANY PLACES
         REMINICENT SMILES, ON FAMILIAR FACES


 CHORUS:  DREAMING YES I’M DREAMING, SLEEPING MY LIFE AWAY
                      THE MORNINGS COME TOO FAST, I WANT MY DREAMS TO LAST
                      DREAMS TAKE ME BACK IN TIME, I NEVER KNOW THEIR MEANING
                      THE WAY I FEEL IT MUST REAL, BUT I’M ONLY DREAMING


       V-3  I RECOGNIZE THEM RIGHT AWAY, HAVEN’T SEEN SOME IN A WHILE
               BUT EVERY OLD FRIEND I RECALL, IS SURE TO MAKE ME SMILE
               MY DAYS ARE ALL TOO LONG, I CAN’T WAIT TO GO TO BED
               WHERE THE BEST TIMES OF MY LIFE, ARE STREAMING IN MY HEAD


CHORUS:  DREAMING YES I’M DREAMING, SLEEPING MY LIFE AWAY
                      THE MORNINGS COME TOO FAST, I WANT MY DREAMS TO LAST
                      DREAMS TAKE ME BACK IN TIME, I NEVER KNOW THEIR MEANING
                      THE WAY I FEEL IT MUST REAL, BUT I’M ONLY DREAMING




Third Place:: Homeless Sky by  Michael Roth, Arlington, VA
    I like this lyric because of the imagery and turn of phrase that are used throughout it, but I think it still needs a re-write to make it clearer what the message or theme of the song isLines like "It's not the town it meant to be" hint at some very powerful messages that just don't quite come thru strong enoughIt has the feel of a song that is describing what is wrong with America of today, but I think it needs some wording changed here or there that would make it really shine as a message songI like the line "On the invisible front of the new civil war", but I wonder about the two sides in that new civil war, who are they and what do they representOr perhaps it is better to leave it from the perspective of a homeless person, who is dazed and confused with his own personal battles with lifeI just find some of the lines in it very apt, like "When the weather gets too drunk again" but I'd like a clearer message in itI really appreciate the writer's craft in this lyric, and wish to see the vision brought into sharper focus.  

 Homeless Sky

I’m really not a drinkin’ man
I come here for the atmosphere
A stone's throw from the Goodwill store 
Where the wounded drag in from the battle
On the invisible front of the new civil war
While I’m nursing a beer in Seattle

Chorus:
And the morning fog will steal your dreams 
Like a wallet from your shabby coat 
Before your very eyes
Life never measures up, it seems 
To that poetry you like to quote
Beneath the homeless sky
The homeless sky

Body shops on boomtown streets
It’s not the town it meant to be
It always wants a little more
And who am I to begrudge them
The evergreen air is perfect and pure
But it carries the odor of judgment

(Chorus)

I’ll sleep beneath a highway bridge
When the weather gets too drunk again
Every day’s a poker hand
My luck ran out at the age of seven
I feel like a sailor lost out at sea
Searching for signs in the heavens

(Chorus)


Fourth Place: If You Have any Questions, Ask You by Ken Adams, Rockwall, TX
   I found the turn of the lyric "Ask You" instead of "Any Questions, Ask ME" interestingThe first verse describes things very logically, and it is clear where the lyric is going, and takes the listener with them, step by stepEvery verse takes the listener somewhere different, and it reminds me of "By the Time I get to Phoenix" written by Jimmy Webb and done so well by Glenn Campbell.   I believe the bridge could be re-written to describe other problems that led her to leave. As it is now, it just restates things that are already in the verses.


By now, you read the note I stuck to your door
By now, you cursed me up, down, sideways too
Guess I wasn't sophisticated enough
True, I'm a country girl
This country girl knows how to get rid of you

Sorry to miss tonight's lame excuse 
Something like, "I have to work late, special project, it all falls on me"
Well, I know about your project, it has two legs curves n' curls
I did a little investigating, something just wasn't sitting right with me

Like a room without a wall, a truck without a wheel, a horse without a stall
Something just wasn't adding up you see
Well, I'm half way to Tulsa, took the cat and my guitar
Changed my cell number, changed my passwords, changed them all

Chorus
Ask you if all your fooling around
Ask you if your intention to make me a victim of a sad country song
Worked out like you though it would
Did your double-dipping scam work like it should?
If you have any questions ask you

Bridge
I won't let you steal my self-respect
I don't need some lying Tom to twist me up, mess with my head
I don't need you to warm my bed

I'll be clearing Arkansas by nine
Cat curled up beside me, radio cranked, keeping time
By now, you're probably executing plan B
Give her a big ol' kiss, a hap-hap, hap-hap-howdy from me

Bridge
I won't let you steal my self-respect
I don't need some lying Tom to twist me up, mess with my head
I don't need you to warm my bed

Chorus
Ask you if all your fooling around
Ask you if your intention to make me a victim of a sad country song
Worked out like you though it would
Did your double-dipping scam work like it should?
If you have any questions ask you

Conclusion
If you have any questions
Look in only one direction
If you have any questions ask you.


Honorable MentionFive Day Weekend by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
   This is a song I think EVERYONE can get behind, a five day weekend! Nice lyric I can almost hear coming from the juke box of some honky tonkEvery verse moves, chorus is a nice summary of something we can all dream of!


            V-1  WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WEEK MY FRIEND
                    ALL THIS TIME AT WORK HAS GOT TO END
                    WE NEED MORE NIGHTS TO PARTY AND DISCOVER
                     THE FUN WE’VE BEEN MISSING, AND HAVE TIME TO RECOVER        


     CHORUS: A FIVE DAY WEEKEND IS WHAT WE WANT
                        WHO STARTED THIS TWO DAY WEEKEND ANYWHO
                        WHAT WERE THEY THINKING, WE NEED TIME FOR DRINKING
                        THE TIME HAS COME, THE WEEK NEEDS A CHANGE
                        IT’S STILL SEVEN DAYS, THEY’RE JUST RE-ARRANGED  
                        FIVE DAY WEEKEND, A FIVE DAY WEEKEND 
                        WEEK’S STILL SEVEN DAYS, THEY’RE JUST RE-ARRANGED  

              
               V-2  WE’LL WORK EXTRA HARD, ON THOSE TWO WORK DAYS
                        WORK RIGHT THROUGH LUNCH, NEVER ASK FOR A RAISE
                        WITH THIS NEW TIME OFF WE’LL CELEBRATE
                        START A BIG PARTY IT’S TOO LATE TO WAIT


                V-3  NEW SCHEDULE SOUNDS GREAT, A WORKERS DREAM COME TRUE
                        WE ALL NEED MORE TIME OFF, THAT’S NOTHING NEW
                          THERE’S NO TIME TO WASTE, WE’VE BEEN WORKING TOO LONG
                           ONLY TWO DAYS OFF, IS ONLY JUST WRONG


     CHORUS: A FIVE DAY WEEKEND IS WHAT WE ALL WANT
                        WHO STARTED THIS TWO DAY WEEKEND ANYWHO
                        WHAT WERE THEY THINKING, WE NEED TIME FOR DRINKING
                        THE TIME HAS COME, THE WEEK NEEDS A CHANGE
                         IT’S STILL SEVEN DAYS, THEY’RE JUST RE-ARRANGED  
                         FIVE DAY WEEKEND, A FIVE DAY WEEKEND 
                         WEEK’S STILL SEVEN DAYS, THEY’RE JUST RE-ARRANGED  
                        A FIVE DAY WEEKEND A FIVE DAY WEEKEND


( IF WANTED)  BRIDGE:  LIVING AIN’T EASY, TIME GOES FAST
                                                LIFE IS FRAGILE, NOT MADE TO LAST


     CHORUS: A FIVE DAY WEEKEND IS WHAT WE ALL WANT
                        WHO STARTED THIS TWO DAY WEEKEND ANYWHO
                        WHAT WERE THEY THINKING, WE NEED MORE TIME FOR DRINKING
                        THE TIME HAS COME, THE WEEK NEEDS A CHANGE
                        IT’S STILL SEVEN DAYS, THEY’RE JUST RE-ARRANGED  
                        FIVE DAY WEEKEND, FIVE DAY WEEKEND 
                         IT’S STILL SEVEN DAYS, THEY’RE JUST RE-ARRANGED  

Honorable MentionThe Bridge is Higher by Minnie Murray, Sante Fe, NM
   This lyric sounds to me like a protest song against building a wall between the U.S. and Mexico, but it just isn't clear enough for meIt sounds like it is trying to be both a protest song and a bit of a love songI believe it has promise, but needs a re-write to focus it more.

Honorable Mention: You Are My Fantasy by Myra Litton, London, UK
   I like the jist of this lyric, the sort of unrequited love fantasy of it, and I think it shows promisebut it needs to be re-written to eliminate a few of the strained rhymesThe Chorus is nicely doneI'd like to meet this librarian, I'll bet when she takes off her glasses and lets down her hair, she's a real looker!

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